Witticisms

My mom sent me a forward containing a list of comments that are (apparently falsely) attributed to Andy Rooney and/or George Carlin.  They’re interesting nonetheless.  Here are some of them:

I don’t think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.  Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens.  Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

And I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches.  And where does he get his money.  And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

Guns do not make you a killer.  I think killing makes you a killer.  You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the law of statistics.

My father and grandfather didn’t die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I don’t think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.  And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals.  I don’t want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness."  I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"?  Besides, Africa is a continent.  I don’t go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe.  I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.

I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osbourne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang.

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn’t wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-#$%!-up already.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.