Kangaroo Pummels Woman in Kick Frenzy

This probably isn’t funny, but I am laughing uncontrollably at the this news article, and at the very thought of the whole thing.

"He had so much hate in his eyes."

???

That’s what 48-year-old Sylvia Aldren said after being pummeled and flayed by a kangaroo in the Australian state of Queensland.  "I can still see his big, beady eyes, like you see in a Martian video," she told the Brisbane Courier-Mail. Aldren, from the town of Burpengary, suffered a large puncture wound on her neck as well as claw marks all over her body from today’s frenzied attack.

WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS "BURPENGARY"??

"My nightie was covered in blood and there are paw marks on the back of it," she told the paper. "I thought I was going to die."

Paw marks on your clothes?  Somehow that seems like an inconsequential detail coming from someone who thought she was going to die.

She says was picking flowers in her garden before hearing a noise and suddenly feeling claws tearing into the back of her neck.

That sentence is just... how do you go from... I don’t even know where to begin.  It’s just not every day a sentence starts with "picking flowers in the garden" and ends with "claws tearing into the back of her neck."

"It kicked the bucket out of my hand and I grabbed [his paw] to stop him, but he got on his tail and started kicking me - he was taller than me on his hind legs.  I tried to get up four or five times but he kept kicking me over.  He also bit my hand."

He got on his tail and kept kicking her over!  Now, I feel bad for this woman, but man, an animal just kicking a person over... that must be a sight to see.  The best part is, "...he kept kicking me over... and he also bit my hand."

Family and friends reportedly watched in horror as the kangaroo repeatedly pelted Aldren in the back as she tried to escape.

I’m not sure if I really believe it was "horror" they were watching with.  And if it really was horror, then why did they wait for the neighbors to save her, instead of doing it themselves?

The animal finally jumped away when neighbors got close.

I’m sure it wouldn’t be half as funny if the woman died or something, but she was barely injured.  I guess it’s just so hilarious to me because kangaroos are like cartoons to me.  I’m not even sure I really believe they exist, come to think of it.  We don’t have them around here.  And they just sound so... unstoppable.  A kickboxing animal that moves around by bouncing, and can get up on its tail to kick with full force... it’s practically mythical.  And if you look at the photo on the news page, it looks like a small dinosaur.