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Thoughts

Sometimes I feel like I need to make new friends. I’m such a loner here, and I don’t really "go out" much.

OK, there are lots of reasons for that which are unrelated to friends; c.f. having lots of work to do, wanting to work on personal projects (musicbox, programming, etc) when I’m not doing schoolwork, and the fact that most of the activities I really like (drumming, biking, caving, driving aimlessly) aren’t really group activities.

But the thing is, I don’t really want to make new friends. I’m not totally against it, but it’s not a priority for me, as it seems to be for many people. Maybe what I mean is, I don’t want to make friends for the sake of making friends, if that makes any sense. When people have common interests or go to the same places frequently, friendships might tend to form. But it seems like many/most people are driven to constantly socialize and try to make friends as much as possible. I’m not.

In high school, my small group of friends was pretty "tight" as they say. I don’t think we were outcasts in any real sense, and it’s not like we didn’t interact with other kids, but it always felt like (for me at least) it was us against the world. I never really thought much about that before now, but I think I still hold to that mentality. I interact with people here when I need to, but these people aren’t my friends; I already have friends, they’re just not here.

Of course, I’ve made some new friends since high school, but very few -- maybe 1 or 2 or 3 -- that I would consider close friends in any sense comparable to my high school friends.

I’m not a "group person." I pretty much like to hang out with people one on one, unless it’s my close friends because that’s different as I said. In social situations where you have maybe a friend or two, or just some acquaintances, in the group, there’s this pressure to "mingle" or "make friends" or at least just shoot the breeze with the other people. And I hate that.

So the only time any of this really comes up is times like tonight. My friend Jeremy was playing an acoustic set on campus (and Rob played a few songs with him). There were probably 8 people there who I knew, but most of them were faint acquaintances if that, and none besides Jeremy were close friends. I got there a couple minutes late, but the show was about 25 minutes late, so there was basically a half hour to wait. I sat at a table with the people I knew, and everyone was doing the whole social interaction thing. I have no problem doing that, but I also have no desire to do that. (See previous paragraph.) I guess people in general enjoy social interaction, but I just find it to be awkward.

(As an aside, that all makes it fiendishly hard to meet girls. I guess I need to qualify the above paragraphs by saying that I do want to interact with girls. ... Then again, no, I don’t. I want to interact with one girl in a long-term kind of way; I want to make girl friends only as much as I want to make guy friends.)

Anyway, it was a fun night, because I love music and I love to hear Jeremy play. But it was awkward too.

Posted by Anthony on Mar 28, 2004 | 17 replies
Filed under: General

Comments:

01. Mar 28, 2004 at 03:52pm by kaiser:

Man, I feel your pain. There are only 4 or 5 people I met since pius that I call a friend. I have a lot of acquaintances but these people don’t mean much to me because I don’t mean much to them. I think all you need is 2 or 3 good friends that are close by to chill with. Believe me, after college you won’t have the amount of "free" time that you have right now.

As far as girls are concerned, I think that the best way to meet them is through friends. If your friends like them they must be somewhat cool so you got a better chance than if you met them hanging out with acquaintances. And the long-term thing, that won’t happen unless you are really lucky or start dating someone that’s late 20’s cuz girls our age are afraid of commitment.

02. Mar 28, 2004 at 04:31pm by Anthony:

> cuz girls our age are afraid of commitment.

Maybe some, but I know lots of people in their early 20s who are married or engaged, and half of them are girls.

03. Mar 29, 2004 at 02:15am by *amanda*:

I attempted to quote Usenet-style but your preview sorta didn’t like it I think...

"But the thing is, I don’t really want to make new friends. I’m not totally against it, but it’s not a priority
for me, as it seems to be for many people. Maybe what I mean is, I don’t want to make friends for the
sake of making friends, if that makes any sense. When people have common interests or go to the same
places frequently, friendships might tend to form. But it seems like many/most people are driven to
constantly socialize and try to make friends as much as possible. I’m not."

and

"In social situations where you have maybe a friend or two, or just some acquaintances, in the group,
there’s this pressure to "mingle" or "make friends" or at least just shoot the breeze with the other
people. And I hate that."

and

"I sat at a table with the people I knew, and everyone was doing the whole social interaction thing. I have
no problem doing that, but I also have no desire to do that. (See previous paragraph.) I guess people in
general enjoy social interaction, but I just find it to be awkward."

Interesting. I have found that some acquaintances that I didn’t want to be friends with have ended up to be very good friends indeed, and with nothing in common personality-wise.

Just one side question:
Do you find many opportunities to serve others, your "neighbors" in the B sense, or share the Good News?

PS I’m checking out your site for design ideas, hope you don’t mind

04. Mar 29, 2004 at 10:24pm by Mike:

I hear you all too well. Actually, until this year I haven’t felt pressure at all to make friends. My attitude had always been to just sit back, relax and let friendships evolve. That worked for me until I came up to State College where I have not made a new friend in two years that did not stem from a previously existing friendship. It’s just really hard to meet new people up here and it’s particularly hard to hook up with members of other major genders unless you are a drunken a-hole.

It has only been this year that I’ve realized that half of my friends are gonna move away and I won’t be able to keep up with them. That plus the usual rate of losing friends and I will be completely friendless by the age of 27 if I don’t make new ones. Of course, the future is not really all that bleak and I’m sure everything will work out once we’re there, but I certainly can understand your fears.

However, if you’re really that bored up here, you should definitely hit up the Reel Big Fish show at the Crowbar on April 21. It’s gonna be rockin’! Peace out.

05. Mar 30, 2004 at 01:09pm by Anthony:

> I attempted to quote Usenet-style but your preview
> sorta didn’t like it I think...

Yeah, the preview borks the angle-brackets for some reason. They come out ok in the actual post, which doesn’t really make sense. It’s on the todo list.

> Just one side question:
> Do you find many opportunities to serve others, your
> "neighbors" in the B sense, or share the Good News?

Sure. You don’t have to be one of these shiney happy social butterfly type people, or travel to far-away lands (or travel at all for that matter), to find opportunities to serve others and share the good news.

> PS I’m checking out your site for design ideas, hope
> you don’t mind

Nah, as long as you don’t pilfer an entire theme, like some people I know... (just kidding, he credited me for it :)

Mike... word about the stupid drunkenness of here.

None of this is really pain or fear or pressure, by the way. It’s just sorta awkward. Every day I’m more and more aware that I don’t really fit in here at all. Then again, I never wanted to come to this town in the first place.

I’m not really into Reel Big Fish. If it were some other venue maybe, but the Crowbar is so smokey, and I’m just not into cancer. I’ve only actually gone there twice; the first time, no one told me about the disgusting death factor, and the second time was because it was Thursday and they are my favorite band.

06. Mar 30, 2004 at 07:03pm by steev:

i saw that! and i have to agree - it is rather hard to make friends, but then, I don’t look for it either. i just kinda go about my business from day to day, and if i meet someone cool, and if not, well, thats cool too. and on a side note, im looking to redesign my site again - the current "theme" of it, is one of the pre-canned one’s from wordpress, and i don’t really like the huge blue area on top and then my site name there...

07. Mar 31, 2004 at 12:33am by *amanda*:

>> Do you find many opportunities to serve others, your
>> "neighbors" in the B sense, or share the Good News?
>
>Sure. You don’t have to be one of these shiney happy social butterfly type people, or travel to far-away
>lands (or travel at all for that matter), to find opportunities to serve others and share the good news.

Hey, I happen to believe that DAD told me to travel to far-away lands!!!

So, if you don’t mind my asking, could you give me any specific examples of what you do?

I ask because someday soon I’ll be in the USA, and although I like to be social and enjoy interacting with both acquaintances and strangers, I think DAD has destined me to be a loner...

08. Mar 31, 2004 at 01:13am by Anthony:

What are you talking about? What/who is DAD? And I wasn’t talking about you with the far-away lands comment. I’m referring to the view that many people seem to hold, whereby you have to go somewhere far away to do God’s will. Or more generally, the view that it has to be some kind of event or trip or phase in your life. Unless you live in a cave, you interact with people every day who you can serve in any number of ways and/or share the gospel with. Do you go to school? Work? Shop for food/clothes/toys etc? Talk to people online? Unless you spend all your time in church or church groups, you’re literally surrounded 24/7 with "opportunities" as it were. Ironically, the church-as-social-function mentality that seems prevalent today probably fosters the view that you need to "go somewhere" to live for Christ. For one, it fosters it directly, since pastors and churches in general push the idea on people, but it also fosters that mentality indirectly, because if you surround yourself with nothing but Christians, then it is going to seem like you need to go do something unusual to serve others.

09. Apr 1, 2004 at 12:14am by *amanda*:

>What are you talking about? What/who is DAD? And I wasn’t talking about you with the far-away lands

This is what I’m talking about:
>>So, if you don’t mind my asking, could you give me any specific examples of what you do?

And DAD is our Father, and in my location I’m not getting more specific than that. Sorry, you’ll just have to guess. No, I didn’t seriously believe you were targeting me with that remark, I was kidding, but in any case, there are strategic times to be in certain areas of the world, times when there is a wider window of opportunity, and even non-committal people like me can try it for the short-term.

[snip]
>in your life. Unless you live in a cave, you interact with people every day who you can serve in any number
>of ways and/or share the ****** with. Do you go to school? Work? Shop for food/clothes/toys etc? Talk
>to people online? Unless you spend all your time in ch’rch or ch’rch groups, you’re literally surrounded
>24/7 with "opportunities" as it were.

Such as? Specific examples? Something real? (Yes I’m being very persistent, sorry if it’s too personal, just say you don’t want to talk about it rather than give me more vagueness)

> Ironically, the ch’rch-as-social-function mentality that seems
>prevalent today probably fosters the view that you need to "go somewhere" to live for Chr’st. For one, it
>fosters it directly, since pastors and ch’rches in general push the idea on people, but it also fosters that
>mentality indirectly, because if you surround yourself with nothing but Chr’stians, then it is going to seem
>like you need to go do something unusual to serve others.

Sorry, but I 100% disagree with you here. I can’t think of a single example of a time I heard a pastor or Chr. writer "push" or even subtlely encourage people to go do m work, except for 3 retreats I attended but I expected to hear it there, that was the point. Oh yeah, and the book that TEAM sent me to help me prepare for my time overseas. Please cite some references to this constant pushing.

On the other hand, just recently I saw statistics of the great decline in new candidates for m work across many organizations. Short-termers are coming along at a decent rate, but many less people with enough guts to put a more substantial chunk of his or her life into it. Wish I could remember where I saw the statistics so I could pass them along. I’ll work on that for you...

10. Apr 1, 2004 at 01:02am by Anthony:

> And DAD is our Father, and in my location I’m not getting
> more specific than that. Sorry, you’ll just have to guess.

I hadn’t taken into account the repression of speech where you’re at. My bad.

> Such as? Specific examples? Something real? (Yes I’m being
> very persistent, sorry if it’s too personal, just say you
> don’t want to talk about it rather than give me more vagueness)

Persistent isn’t the word... the word is, "pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about." Since you apparently insist on pretending as such, I’ll pretend to oblige you:

> Do you go to school? Work? Shop for food/clothes/toys etc?

Specific example: you are in a store looking at the same item as someone else. A conversation ensues. You end up walking out of the store together. (Possibly time elapses here and you become this person’s friend.) You ask about their faith or talk about yours.

> Talk to people online?

Specific example: someone emails you or IMs you to talk about something of yours they’ve read or heard. You ask about their faith or talk about yours.

Both of those have happened to me -- the latter more regularly than the former, since as I’ve established, I’m highly introverted. I’m making no claims about being good at any of these things; you asked about opportunities, and I’m pointing out that they abound.

> I can’t think of a single example of a time I heard a pastor or
> Chr. writer "push" or even subtlely encourage people to go do m work

I see that you’re trying to say it’s been rare in your personal experience, but it’s not exactly consistent to cite 4 examples after saying, "I can’t think of a single example."

> Please cite some references to this constant pushing.

I’ve been to a handful of different churches in my life, and all of them regularly (often weekly) spend a few minutes of the service talking about various missions going on that people can take part in and donate to. Most of these churches also regularly (maybe once every few months) have missionaries come in and talk about what they’re doing, sometimes for the whole service.

> Wish I could remember where I saw the statistics so I
> could pass them along. I’ll work on that for you...

Don’t work too hard for my sake; I’m really not interested in that. I didn’t make any claim regarding the rates of enrollment in these types of programs. I only stated that churches in my experience heavily encourage it.

11. Apr 2, 2004 at 05:50am by *amanda*:

>Persistent isn’t the word... the word is, "pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about." Since you
>apparently insist on pretending as such, I’ll pretend to oblige you:

Thank you for the examples. No, I wasn’t pretending. You always jump to the worst conclusion.

I did want to know what *you* do. You need not assume that I would react the same way as you in a particular situation, nor that I, with my very different lifestyle, would even find myself in such situations. So, thanks.

>I see that you’re trying to say it’s been rare in your personal experience, but it’s not exactly consistent to
>cite 4 examples after saying, "I can’t think of a single example."

Yeah, that came out all wrong. I got going on a tangent, that I have only heard such things when in a situation such as a certain retreat or having already made a commitment i.e. I "asked" for it. And apparently when I say I "heard such things" we’re talking about different things.

[some editing has occurred below]
>regularly (often weekly) spend a few minutes of the service talking about ... that people can take part in
>and donate to. ... also regularly (maybe once every few months) have ... come in and talk about what
>they’re doing, sometimes for the whole service.

Whoa, you call that recruitment (as we’ve been calling it, "pushing")? <shakes head> You’re not interested in going, but you also don’t want your pr or money going toward it? And you don’t want other potentially interested people to hear about it so that they can go/pr/give? I’m guessing you don’t really feel this way, but it’s coming across that way.

>Don’t work too hard for my sake; I’m really not interested in that.

I see. Sorry then, I’ll get lost so you won’t be upset with me. Unless you already are. <bows, walks back to the wilderness of USENET >

12. Apr 2, 2004 at 02:57pm by Anthony:

> Whoa, you call that recruitment (as we’ve been calling it, "pushing")?

Constantly suggesting that people do missions work, sometimes by missionaries themselves? Um, yes, I do call that recruitment. And I didn’t say there’s anything wrong with it either; I merely stated that it does in fact happen.

> You’re not interested in going,

False...

> you also don’t want your pr or money going toward it?
> And you don’t want other potentially interested people
> to hear about it so that they can go/pr/give?

...and false. I said that churches and pastors tend to push the idea, and that there are lots of ways to serve Christ without going to far-away places, neither of which logically extrapolates to "I’m not interested in going" nor "I don’t want other people to hear about it."

But you already knew that, because you said:

> I’m guessing you don’t really feel this way,
> but it’s coming across that way.

I can’t change your perception of my words, but as you guessed, it’s not an accurate perception.

13. Apr 3, 2004 at 12:25am by always myself:

Hey!!! Seems to me this little argument was un called for. I think I know what you are saying though (Anthony) that there are plenty of oppurtunities to share our faith in our own backyard. Traveling (Amanda) isn’t a bad thing either, God will use Christians however he sees fit, everyone of us is different. Thus God has a different plan for each of us.

About making new friends. Hmm. I’ve only been in college for what is going to be a year. I’ve made one new friend (someone I’ve actually spent time with outside of school activities.), But we no longer talk. Other than that the last real friend I’ve made on my own(wo being introduced to by a good old freind.) was about 2yrs ago, and that person is now my best friend. Most of the people I spend time with are friends I’ve met through this friend. I don’t bother making new friends, because I don’t have much time, and the time I do have I want to spend building on the friendships I have. I like to have very strong friendships, and it’s hard to develop this with numerous people..I can’t keep up!
I have really been looking for a signifigant other of the opposite sex. I actually would rather have guy FRIENDS. A guy who honestly want to walk beside me and have a normal friendship without getting "intimately" involved. I’ve have only one guy friend who’s built a friendship with me, for only a friendship. The bulk of the guys I’ve met and have gotten to know, only bothered with me in the hope of eventually becoming my "Boyfriend" or getting some action.
That is another thing! There is a whole race of guys out there who "look" for a girlfriend. Who does that? It makes me think, you don’t want me specifically to be your gf, you just want "a girlfriend." Numerous girls could meet the qualifications.
Ok I’ll shut up now.

14. Apr 3, 2004 at 12:27am by always myself:

"I have really been looking for a signifigant other of the opposite sex."
I meant to say haven’t

15. Apr 3, 2004 at 02:23am by Anthony:

> There is a whole race of guys out there who
> "look" for a girlfriend. Who does that?

It depends on where you’re at in life. People who want to get married probably look for someone to marry, rather than looking for a lot of different close friends of the opposite sex. And a spouse starts as a "girlfriend" or whatever you want to term the relationship. So... that "race" of guys, as you call it, would include at least those guys looking to get married, and depending on your age, that is a sizeable contingent.

16. Apr 3, 2004 at 09:08am by always myself:

I see. I can understand that. If you have the intentions of settling down, then I guess what you said makes sense. Although, It seems when ever you are anxious for something to happen, or looking for something to happen it doesn’t. And the second you give up and take a break something happens does that make sense? The guys I’ve come across though were not searching for a wife or any long term relationship, they were just looking for their NEXT short term relationship. :/

17. Apr 3, 2004 at 09:08am by always myself:

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