I’m doing some updates to this blog application to make the archives page more search-engine friendly (and to improve the chances that searchers who arrive at my site will find what they’re looking for), and in the process I’m coming across some of my older posts.  One of those is "Googlism" and it’s pretty funny.

Well, we just got back from our trip to California.  I have lots of photos to post, but it will take some time to sort and prune them.  I took about 800 photos, but because I often take 3-5 different shots of any given scene to find a good exposure, and because many of the photos end up being not very good anyway, I usually end up posting only about 10-15% of them.  And the process of picking the good 10-15% out of 800-some photos takes a while.

In the meantime, though, I wanted to post this little gem:

It’s sad to think of how many Holiday Inn employees this got past before being placed in every single room at the Holiday Inn in Concord, CA, and probably others.

If you’re not familiar with sudo, then this probably won’t make any sense to you.  That’s OK.  Trust me, it’s hilarious.

(Source)

Oh man these had me cracking up, and I immediately thought of Anthony when I read them-
Funny Instructions
Stuff that Annoys Me(excuse the language on this page)

I don’t know what’s funnier: the fact that someone just came to my site by searching for microsoft sucks, Soapy Squirrel on Google, or this email that Tash just sent to me:

(Obligatory bogus chain-mail introduction deleted.)
   
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Apple has 3 new Get a Mac ads and they’re even better than the last ones.  My favorite lines are from "Out of the Box":

PC: What’s your big plan?

Mac: I might make a home movie, or maybe create a website, try out my built-in camera; I can do it all right out of the box.  So what about you?

PC: First I gotta download those new drivers, then I gotta erase the trial software that came on my hard drive...

Mac: Sweet.

...

Mac: Let me know when you’re ready to go.

PC: Actually, the rest of me is in some other boxes, so... I’ll meet up with you later.

These played fine under Firefox/Linux, but skipped horribly for me on Firefox/Windows.  In case you have that problem too (or if you just hate inline videos like I do) here are direct links to the ads:

Work vs. Home

Today I discovered that Planters sells a nut mix called "Pistachio Lover’s Mix" that contains just pistachios (shell-free no less), cashews, and almonds.  That’s what I call mixed nut perfection.  It’s about time somebody made some mixed nuts without all those weird nuts that nobody likes (filberts?? come on).

Also, while researching this post, I came across this gem of a webpage.  Be sure to read the whole thing.  It’s surely one of the most freakish pages there is.

Apple introduced some new TV commercials on Monday and I think they’re pretty funny.  You can watch them on the Apple website.

It’s kind of annoying how they present it as "The Mac vs. The PC" when it’s really about Mac vs. Windows.  I run a PC, yet none of the PC-based problems mentioned in the ads affect me at all, because my PC runs Linux, not Windows.

But other than that, the ads are good -- they’re funny and they’re pretty much completely accurate.

Check out this German Coast Guard Video.  Fantastic.

(Note: you might have to right-click the link and choose Save As or Save Target.)

The other day, Kim bought these felt pads for some of our furniture:

But apparently they slipped a little something extra into the package:

(show full-size image viewer)

It’s sad but true.  And the grammatical error in the comic’s title is the icing on the cake.

I get the best hits from people searching the internet for ridiculous stuff.  It looks like I’m #2 on AskJeeves for:

some problems that might happen if you don’t use the bathroom

But what’s really funny is the title of the first hit: "Use a dog crate."

Kim’s aunt and uncle are nature photographers, and they have some really amazing photos on their website from their recent trip to Australia.

There are quite a few photos, but be sure not to miss the kangaroo fight.  That set contains some of the most freakish and funny and awesome photos ever, like this one:

They are even better if you imagine the captions being read in a super-calm National Geographic commentator voice.

That’s not right: Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao

Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan

I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here: Wao So Dim

I thought you were on a diet: Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone: No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week: Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight: Lei Ying Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu

Remember those old Apple "switch" ads?

Check out this switch to Linux video.

Last night, Kim took me out to Bravo! for our one-year anniversary.  We had never been there before, and I really loved it.  It’s like a more fancy version of Carrabba’s or the Olive Garden, with more space (higher ceilings, and tables farther apart) and completely non-smoking.

I got the "catch of the day" which was swordfish, and it was delicious.  Swordfish is the only fish that I like (well, and shark) because it doesn’t taste fishy like most fish.

Working backwards: the salad was also fantastic.  It was a "chopped" salad, which meant that there were no huge pieces of lettuce or whole slices of tomatoes or cucumbers; everything was sliced & diced small enough that you could eat it by the forkful without getting it all over the sides of your mouth because the pieces are too big.  (OK, so maybe I’m the only one with that problem.)  Also, the italian dressing was wonderful, maybe even better than the Olive Garden’s, which I also love.

Finally, the initial bread with dipping oil.  This is one of my favorite things to eat ever, and here it was as good if not better than at Carrabba’s.  The only thing Carrabba’s has on Bravo! is that the bread wasn’t warm at Bravo!

The one negative comment I have about Bravo! is that above the sink in the bathroom, there is a sign that says:

EMPLOYEE MUST "WASH HANDS"

Aside from the fact that that’s just grammatically stupid, I’m fairly bothered by the fact that the people preparing my food didn’t actually have to wash their hands, and instead can get away with some kind of finger-quotey mock rendition of hand-washing.

Sometime about a year or two ago, when I watched O’Reilly almost every night, I saw all the great Quiznos commercials as they came out.  (And by great I mean the freakish hamster ones, not the freakish baby ones.)  They would then post them on their website and I’d go download them because they were so funny.

But one Quiznos commercial in particular seemed to be yanked from rotation on TV after only a day or two, and when I checked their website for it, it wasn’t there.  But apparently it did get online at some point because I just found a copy on a random blog.  I’ve now mirrored it here so check it out.

(I’ve got the first and second ones too, which are also great.)

I’ve never been to Louisiana, nor do I know anyone from there.  I think that makes it seem even more surreal and far away when I see on the news that the city of New Orleans has been destroyed.  It’s just unbelievable.

On a lighter note though:

Quoting CNN:

DARYN KAGAN: Well, it’s Hurricane Katrina that’s still very much making history all along the Gulf Coast. That includes New Orleans.

Now, the French Quarter of downtown New Orleans still too wet and too flooded to get our satellite trucks in there, but with the use of a new technology called FTP, our John Zarella able to go out into the streets of the French Quarter, shoot a standup, shoot his story, and send it back us to via computer. So here now, John Zarella from the French quarter in New Orleans.

(BEGIN VIDEOTAPE)

JOHN ZARRELLA, CNN CORRESPONDENT: We are on Common Street in the French Quarter. The height of the storm still not here on top of us yet. But already, you can see blown out windows in the building across the street from us.

...

John Zarrella, CNN, in the French Quarter.

(END VIDEOTAPE)

KAGAN: And once again, John Zarrella filing that report just a little while ago, using our FTP technology, filing it simply through computer.

I don’t know whether to be appalled or to feel sorry for this reporter.  I don’t expect the average person to know much about computer technology, but you don’t just bust out with "a new technology called FTP" or "our FTP technology" when you have no idea what you’re talking about.  And even if you are completely clueless, surely you must know that mankind has been transmitting video over great distances via cable and air for decades; why should it seem so miraculous now just because a computer is involved?

For the record: FTP is one of the oldest computer technologies there is.  Algore invented it 20 years before the world wide web, and it was even around before the internet was called the internet.

I laughed out loud several times while reading this.  It has some bad language but it’s mostly semi-obfuscated.

Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL

A few weeks ago I switched our Linux systems to wireless network cards.  Since wifi on Linux is still a big pain to get working, I wrote up a couple of start-to-finish HOWTOs in the hopes that others might find them useful.

Wireless success: Netgear WG311, madwifi, wpa_supplicant Wireless USB success: Netgear WG111, ndiswrapper, WPA

If you’ve got a wireless network card but aren’t having the best reception, make sure to give the WiFi Spray a try.

On an unrelated note, in case you weren’t sure that Steve Ballmer was completely insane, here’s more proof.

What do you get when you take a person with no patience, cross him with someone with no manners, throw in a dash of probably-didn’t-graduate-high-school, and top it off with having eaten mostly Twinkies for about 30 years?

You get this:

On Monday night I’m driving home, it’s about midnight, and I stop for gas.  The BP that I frequent isn’t open at this hour, so I have to go to 7-11 where there are only 4 pumps, one of which is diesel.  I have to wait a few minutes while the person currently at the pump finishes up.

As I pull up and begin fueling, a little sea-green Geo Metro (or equivalent) comes up behind me, waiting for me to finish.  When I do, I get into my car and then write my mileage down on the receipt, as I always do.  This takes 30 seconds tops; the pen is in my center console, the receipt is already in my hand, and the light from the gas station is enough that I don’t have to turn on my lights or anything like that.

I put the receipt into my wallet, and as I’m putting my wallet into my pocket, I see the little Metro is now approaching me from the front, and it comes up right next to my door, so the driver is right next to me.  He seems to want to say something to me so I roll down my window.

Me: (rolling down window, about 25% complete)

The jerk: what the f--- is your problem?  You see I’m f---in’ waiting for you!

Me: I was... (here the jerk instantly cuts me off; my statement was going to be "I was writing down my mileage on my receipt")

The jerk: you want to go?  (from the jerk’s tone it’s clear that this means, "do you want to fight?")

Me: (flabbergasted and trying to stifle a laugh along with my disbelief) No.

The jerk: you want to go right now?

Me: No?  (I begin to drive away)

The jerk: yeah, mother f---er, you’re a f---in’ a--hole.

This guy was seriously angry.  He was yelling, and he cut me off literally every time I tried to respond to his idiotic statements, including my two terse "no" responses.  The first time he asked me if I wanted "to go," he seemed to be starting to open his car door, but he had pulled up in the tiny space between my car and the street so there was maybe 18" between our cars -- not nearly enough for a normal person to open a car door and fit through, let alone this beastly lunatic.

In retrospect the whole episode was pretty funny, but at the time, he was making me really angry.  That anyone could be so freaking stupid and impatient and rude made me mad, but the fact that he kept cutting me off REALLY frustrated me.  I didn’t have 3 seconds to even attempt to say anything.

Signs of the apocalypse:

Pope dies.

German Pope elected.

Apple moves to Intel.

Microsoft moves to PowerPC.

Debian stable released.

Apple releases multi-button mouse.

(From a couple of Slashdot & ARS posts.)

...yet somehow people find my site by searching for them:

Check out Google Moon, and be sure to zoom in all the way.

Why is it that distances on road signs are always in quarter-miles or eighth-miles, when the odometers in our cars are in tenth-miles?

Oh, and in case I’m at the shore for the next 3 days, don’t say anything bad about watermelon while I’m not here to defend it.